So I know this is somewhat random but... I was just chatting with a good friend of mine, We were talking about life's struggles. Everyone has something different that challenges them. I am still working on mine. I know my family will disagree with me on this but all I know is what I know. That is how I feel of course, because no man is an island and regardless it does take a village to raise a child. My village is my family and friends, extended and whatnot. As I got older I noticed that I should worry less about how I feel and focus on how I project myself to others (they really will disagree cause they want me to "feel" yet they told me to always squish my feelings away). Don't get me wrong I know they did the best with me that they could. With such a great divide on age who could really expect them to get it right with me, or even be able to hear my screams for help. I am sweet because I surround myself with people that deserve that of me, I hurt when those closest to me are hurt, I am strong because those that I care for need someone to stand for them. Ok now that I am getting to the meat and potatoes of this post. I have had a hard time learning to love and accept myself. I always thought I did but that was not really what it was supposed to be. Yes I said it I put it out there for all of you to read. It is hard for me to look at myself in the mirror and I mean truly look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself. I learned that when I was with my best friend... Him and I were talking about some very delicate subjects and wanted me to do that. I could not... I am talking to the point that I pulled away and started to cry. It is now a focus point on my recovery. You need to make sure you get a sense of who you are. I am not saying that it is easy because it is not by any means. I am thankful for my girlfriends that accept me with all the cracks that are part of me. You all (an you know who you are) help make me whole. I need to find the acceptance in who I am.
Love is never a feeling you can completely control. It is especially hard when those feelings are for someone that you can not live without. How do you deal? Well just to touch on this we all fall in love at one point or another. And most of the time we truly do not have any control over it. I am not talking about having a crush or who the best looking person is that you see. What I am talking about is someone that you wholeheartedly care about. Someone you do not see your life going on without. Well I do understand that feeling. I gave my heart away a long time ago to someone very special to me. Not always is that feeling returned. Love is a game of chance. I do not regret my feelings at all. I only hope one day that person realizes it and returns the feelings.
Make sure you always guard your heart... do not hand it over to someone that might not appreciate or deserve it. I am not saying that you should shut others out, but just must make sure when you do give your heart away it is for the right reasons and to the person you love not just a moments trifle.
I know I have not kept up with this blog as I should have... but life happens and I will be better at this.
I do hope that the Valentine holiday season has been good to you all, let it be by yourself or with friends or a significant other. I am sorry that I had to take a break from blogging, being the host and trying to get certain things organized not the bizness...lol. Getting back to where we are going I was what I would call "Blessed" to spend that time with someone very close to my heart. Now that things are back on normal schedule it gives me time to think and ponder on that time. What the other years have told me. What I tell myself with my actions? How do I treat myself before I let others into my bubble? We are the true Guardian of how we will be treated. Sometimes it takes someone else pointing out the Greatness that we hold inside to really make us take a look that we are WORTH being treated well. Sometimes we have to come to it on our own. Sometimes even it is thrust upon us like a bolt of lightning that is too powerful for us to even think we can handle, but the Good Lord does not put anything on our road that we can not handle. I can testify to that. I am not saying that everyday is peaches and cream, I will be the first to admit that I am surprised I am not sucking on a bottle of hooch sitting on some stoop wasting my time. I have goals that I need to reach, people that I need to meet that they will affect my life or vice versa! The song I chose to go with this post means a great deal to me. The words, the story are so powerful. I know one or two people reading this might laugh at the fact that I may be a sensitive person but I read somewhere that one should never discard someones feelings when they state them, cause one never knows how hard it was for them to get it out. I swear I can never say this enough. Why cause it is something I have to constantly remind myself of all the time. I was speaking to one of the special gals in my life and we were discussing how the art of respect and admiration has practically gone out the window. Yes we as females are looked at as equals.... but equal to what now! Are we better off today than we were 20,30,40 years ago. I do not think so. Yes we have soooooooo much more now but what happened to the Family structure! I do not care what your sexual preference is cause that is your thing not mine. What happened to the art of courtship? I miss being able to flirt and a guy actually know what that was instead of expecting me to go after him! I miss all the things that made life exceptionally good. Yes I might be a bit Old Fashioned but darn it it was good! If it aint broke why fix it! All I know is that should I have a boy someday I HOPE that some young lady will appreciate the time my Son will take to court her formally. All I know is that I am thankful for those in my life that have given me hope and kept me breathing:) You mean more than you can imagine. I appreciate that one Man that woke me up to Love a long time ago and makes me find the better me, keep me on my toes. I do thank my Ex's for NOT being the right guy for me, Some of them I am still friends with, some of them might think they are on my good list but not so much. And I want to thank God for giving me a Brain that I can realize the potential I have inside of myself and the knowledge that he is amazing and can love without boundaries. If you have a chance check out a movie called "the Measure of a Man" Most Excellent film that I highly recommend. Brought some serious tears to my eyes, it touched me deeply. I am going to cut this off here... till we meet again in a few days. Know that you are all loved... I may or may not know you personally but know a heartfelt gratitude goes out to all for being amazing in your own right! Till the next post, make it a great day!
Growing up was never so easy for me... Other than when I was in grade school (and before) I had always had a bit of an identity crisis... not quite knowing where I fit. I am happy to say that now days I feel a bit more at home in my skin. Granted that self acceptance has a bit to do with the friends that I do keep. They are the reason that I can throw cultural boundaries out the door and work who I am. I am definitely a Country girl that loves the beach culture as well... I am as comfortable in a pair of cowboy boots as I am in a pair of flip flops. I prefer some good Country music to Rap. Sing some Operetta yet occasionally speak with a twang in my voice, and I do not mind if anyone has a problem with me cause that is something I am not going to bother with... It's not my problem. As I look around at younger friends of mine I see some of them in the same shoes I have walked a few miles in. Friends that have so much to give that their own peers take advantage and do not appreciate how amazing of a friend they truly are. Not one of us on this planet are without fault... But why do we do harsh things like make others feel unloved or unworthy! Some of those that you would assume have amazing self worth are the ones that need the most love and attention. I myself have walked around like no one could touch me but inside I was hiding. I just wish people would wake up and be considerate of each other! I know I am ranting but its high time that someone say something. I hurt when others hurt... Those who are without fault can cast the first stone and I know that person is not me!
First off Happy New Year to all and I wish all nothing but Happiness, Health and Prosperity. Not everyone will have the same feelings as I do but hey I am trying to keep my life a bit more on the positive side. I can not complain too bad... I have a roof over my head (even if I do not always feel that safe) I have a family that loves me even if sometimes some of us butt heads. Great friends that we gripe but we do not give up on each other. A job with a great boss that she not only is my boss but has become a friend. A puppy that loves me unconditionally, and last but not least my Best friend he is my Rock when I need it. He does not always say the right things and is sometimes emotionally distant but has always been there for me! Sometimes I wish he could just tear down the walls BUT I know and love him without wanting to change him. If I changed him he would not be my best friend anymore and the Awesomeness that is him would be gone. I learned a long time ago that when it comes to guys and gals they JUST NEED TO ACCEPT EACH OTHER THE WAY THAT THEY ARE. That does not mean that you cant give suggestions but do not expect them to do it! As this New Year takes flight I look into the void of what this year is to become and I see lots of future and hope that I cant wait to will it into my life. I take on a more positive outlook on the future. Why because...... well.... The Future you see is what we make it to be. Take your future into your own destiny because if not someone else will always have the reigns. I am working on not letting the small stuff bug me so much, as well as working on myself and loving myself more. If we could take a moment, just a tiny moment in all reality and go out of our way to smile more I am almost certain that we could get to a point where people are more willing to help one another. Maybe its just my hope in humanity but at least I have that to hold onto. It is one of the ONLY things that have kept me from becoming jaded at the world like most. I do wish that every single one of you take a moment and think about the story of the person you don't know near you. Who knows they may end up changing your life someday! Some of the best people in my life I have met just by chance.
