The past week has had some very interesting affects on me. I had the chance to spend time with some very good friends. Planning on spending some time with family this wonderful Christmas Season. It has been a few years since I looked forward to the holidays. With all of the memories flooding back at what happened years ago, it made it easier now at this time in my life to make choices on the road I must take. Choices that if I went back in time and made them then they would have not made sense. Looking back every single choice made had a very important roll in my life. Not all of them were easy, and I have had to kiss a lot of toads. But it put me in a place to where I myself can stand tall (sometimes not that easy and I need help to stand) and say I AM A CHILD OF GOD. Not all of you have the same views as I do (and that is alright)... but we are all human and are WORTHY of being SOMEONE OF WORTH. While out with friends I was able to step back and appreciate each and every one more than I normally do. They give me strength to be able to share my story, my journey with all of you. One friend and met up after her work shift. We went and got a bite to eat and drink, Did a little shopping (tis the season after all) ended up watching a movie together. During supper we touched base on the 10 year blog post... we shed a few tears over it. But it was not a bad thing it was a good thing because of the strength that came though. We laughed and cried at life and where it has lead us. Not only for what I am dealing with but what she is too. We give each other Strength. I do not know where I would be without friends that were supportive of me and that I can give support to them. All I know is this Christmas Season I give thanks to friends old and new that have helped me become a better me. For without all of you I would not have the strength to pick myself up and fight for who I am. I am looking forward to spending time with family that I am getting to know once again and am thankful for them. My Parents and sibling that I do not get to see because they live far away, I miss them but I have them in my heart. I try to remember when I am having a hard time to take time and smell the roses. You never know when those roses will wither and you will loose that fragrant sent.
WOW so I was speaking to someone about this blog that I have started and something hit me like a sledgehammer... it is going to be a very hard holiday season... I knew this happened but I had forgotten what time of the year it was or how long ago (10 years January). I remember it was right after the New Year and after my Mothers birthday... I remember snow still being on the ground and people talking about Valentine's day coming up and I remember just getting back from Winter break at college. Knew a few people and I grew up a bit of a tomboy. So it was natural for me to want to hang with the guys. One of the guys was in one of my classes and his buddy (who was Military reserve) who I had been around several times to where I lowered my guard. Offered up to be the designated driver that night and would hang for a bit after we got back. We went out and things were totally cool, everyone was completely chill... played some billiards, the guys tipped back some beers and I had a few cokes. Left early and went back to dudes place. We were sitting around and joking, talking about school and stuff. Got myself something to drink and had to step out of the room for a while. When I came back to drink my beverage I was not feeling too good a bit after drinking it and was told I could lay down in the other room. Mind you any other time that I had been around these guys it was completely chill. Let's just say one of the guys left (and had asked me if I was okay) the other one (not the one in my class) told his buddy (the one I knew better) that he would stay up and keep an eye on me.... Needless to say I was drugged and woke up with my clothing disheveled. I scurried home as quickly as I could and delt with the wrath..... All I know is that I blocked that out for a while till therapy! Dealing with rape is different for everyone. Some will be able to handle it better and some are just more sensitive in the nature of things. I kicked myself quite hard wondering why I let that happen to me. That I should have been better about keeping my guard... that I must have done something to where I deserved to be treated with such disrespect. NO ONE should be allowed to feel that way. This is something that I deal with on a daily basis. This incident was the peak of everything bad... I had relationships that were not healthy for me... but this.... this is a different monster all together and far from relationship. All I know is that when I was in therapy I was told 1 out of 4 women are some kind of abuse. Makes me sad and I do not even know the number for males. All I know is that I hope that writing all of this gives me some peace of mind and might help someone else. Let's hope that Heavenly Father gives me the strength to overcome this hurdle. I know that I am dealing with this still one step at a time. My best friend has been my rock. He knows the good the bad and the ugly of me... yet he is still here. I thank God everyday for putting the RIGHT people in my life regardless of what religion they belong to I know we all must live on this crazy planet and love each other as Heavenly Father and his Son Loved us without any questions. I try to make sure I make every single person in my life feel special and let them know that they mean the world to me. I may not see them everyday, may not even talk to them everyday... but they know I have luv for them. To all the people that I do not know yet... know that you are loved. Once again I have done it... I have to force myself to stop writing if not I could go on and on. But it is ok... not like this is the last post I will ever do... I have so much to write and share. Till next time.
Okay well here we go... Some of you reading this know me and some of you do not, some of you know what hurdles I have had to endure in my life and others have no idea. I am a 37 year old female that is writing her first personal blog. WHY am I doing this now... honestly I do not know why it has taken me so long to do this... I grew up in Sunny So Cal with a Huge family one side Catholic the other side LDS. I myself grew up LDS.... if you do not know what that is ... Latter Day Saint aka Mormon. I grew up a goodie two shoes, lived by the rules, dressed modestly, never swearing... stuff like that.
You never know what road you will have to take and how rough the waters will get. I am blogging for several reasons.... bearing my soul for therapy sake, jumping on a soap box, and maybe say hopefully someone else can get some comfort in knowing someone else has delt with the same thing (I hope not but that is not how the world works). I have been an inactive member of the church for I don't know how many years. Do I still have a testimony despite what I have done and try not to do? The answer is YES. Do I have a respect for others absolutely... they do not have to agree with me just respect me and my decisions for MY LIFE.
I have delt with abuse and am recovering from it... not an easy job but it HAS to happen. Abuse has taken my seemingly innocent life and flip it upside down to the point that I did not know what side it up! I am talking to the point that it is that little bits of sand that get into EVERYTHING when you go to the beach and you are STILL finding it years after. It affected my relationships with friends and loved ones, and my relationship with God. Took a major crack at my family... still working on putting that back together, Has made me loose or push people away, and made it almost impossible to have a decent relationship. They say if you want relationship to work you must love yourself first. For a long long time I did not, and it crippled me.
Seeing this blog post so far makes me realize I have so much to say but do not want to drag it on and on... But I know I will break it down in pieces. Hopefully this can touch someone the way that it touches me to write it. I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and I KNOW that he never wanted any of this bad stuff to happen to me. Maybe he is guiding me to write so that someone else can find the strength to overcome the mountains in their life.
